All or Nothing!

Raise your hand if you’ve ever used words like “always, never, completely, total, no point, every, or none” to describe an experience. Yea, my hand is in the air. Essentially, it means viewing situations we come across in life through an either/or lens (“either you’re with me or against me”; “it’s either my way or the highway”; “this is either going to go really well or really poorly”). By doing so, we exclude a whole world of possibilities and options. Essentially, we are limiting ourselves to one of two outcomes – a “good” one or a “bad” one.  

We also tend to describe this worldview in terms of color – it’s either black or white. Well, if you’ve ever looked at a grayscale, you’ll notice there is tons of variance in shades and grades between black and white. And I would argue that 95% of life is lived in the spectrum (the grays), not at the ends of the spectrum. And that’s what makes life rich, beautiful, vibrant, subtle, sometimes unpredictable, difficult, challenging, joyful and exuberant.

This “All or Nothing” thinking is actually an easy trap to fall into (easier than we think or realize). Just struggled with a lesson on a topic you are trying to learn? I’m never going to learn this! Ran out of gas on the way home? This always happens to me! Had a bad interaction with a coworker at work? He’s a total jerk! Had an argument with a friend or significant other? This relationship will never work! Can’t get a printer to work? Ok, scratch that…printers kind of suck. Will everything always work out? No. And that’s ok, too.

But the subtle, underlying impact of “All or Nothing” thinking shifts us into a fixed mindset vs. a growth mindset. It can cause us to avoid challenges and obstacles in our life we deem too difficult. It often limits our options and opportunities. And it can cause us to stagnate. Believe me, I’ve seen the most confident people in the world fall prey to “All or Nothing” thinking. And here’s the thing…when things are easy or going well, it’s easy to avoid “All or Nothing” thinking (or lean too heavily into toxic positivity). But when things are hard and not going well, “All or Nothing” thinking creeps in and finds us. The bastard kicks us while we’re down!

But…there’s a trick to help temper this kind of thinking and make us more amenable to a variety of possibilities and outcomes. It’s the word “yet.” I’ve written about this before, but it’s worth repeating (many, many times). Did poorly on a lesson? I haven’t learned this…yet. Had a bad interaction with a coworker? Maybe we haven’t found our common ground…yet. Can’t get that printer to work? Yea, no one can…it will never work quite right. No “yet” statement will ever solve that problem. 😁 

Embrace the grays…and good luck with the printer.

Until next week.

Cheers,

Andy