Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

Happy Halloween!

I stumbled across an article the other day that really struck me (and stuck with me). It was something I’d never really thought about before, but I had to read it twice to make sure I really absorbed it’s meaning. Bottom line, the word “should” isn’t really a helpful word. Hear me out.

How many times have we reflected on a moment and thought: “Dang, I should have said something” or “I shouldn’t have done that” or “I should have spent time cleaning the house/being productive”?

How many times have we been told by someone else how we should have done something. What we should have said. How we should have behaved.

I suspect we can all raise our hands with this one. Mine is way up in the air. But it begs the question…why should I have done those things or said those things?  

According to research, using the word should in these (and similar) types of situations creates a negative mindset in a couple of ways:

• First and foremost, it’s a shame-based statement that creates stress and anxiety. It manifests in self-shame when we use it on ourselves. It manifests in a lack of confidence and a lack self-belief when others use it on us.

• Secondly, should implies there is only one specific, correct way to do something. Well, that’s just not true. There are always multiple routes to a destination. Some may be longer, some may be shorter, some may be more efficient. There is no one right way to do anything. No matter what someone tries to tell you.

• Should is a demotivator. It makes us second-guess and question our ability to do something, to try new things, to take chances, to be creative. It hinders our ability to grow and wonder.

Are there extreme outliers? Sure. I probably shouldn’t jump out of an airplane without a parachute or some sort of device to help me get safely to the ground.

What to use instead of should? According to the author, could and want are good substitutes without all the calories of should. In other words, instead of: “I should go to the gym,” say something like “I could go to the gym” or “I want to go to the gym.” It completely shifts the mindset from negativity to positivity. From beating ourselves up about not doing something to motivating ourselves to do something.

I guess I should finish this note now. 😉  

Until next week.

Andy

(All written content created the old-fashioned way.)